Dirty Jokes — best jokes

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said:

- Yes, Officer?

- What are you doing? - the policeman asked.

- What does it look like? - answered the young man.

- I'm reading this magazine.

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked:

- And what is she doing?

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied:

- I think she's knitting a sweater.

Confused, the officer asked:

- How old are you, young man?

- I'm nineteen - he replied.

- And how old is she? - asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said:

- Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen.

Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?

It comes with a 16 inch applicator.

The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said:

- Just how much is that watch?

- It's $2000, ma'am.

- Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?

- Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?

- I was thinking two times a week for the next two months.

- That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker - the housewife told a neighbor.

- You didn't do it, did you?

- I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time.

- Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time.

And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

- Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!

And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.

- You're going to kill him - they say, or

- He's just yanking your chain, but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous.

- You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?

The wife stoically replied:

- I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass.

- Darling, will you still make love like that to me after we're married? - she whispered after they had finished making love.

He considered this for a moment, and then replied:

- I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women.

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says:

- My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.

The man thinks:

- What does a priest know about sex?

So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states:

- My son, sex is definitely play.

The man replies:

- Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?

The Rabbi softly speaks:

- If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.

"I'm finished with Judi!" Jon exclaimed to his friend. "She broke down and told me she was bisexual. Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???"

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says:

- We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after.

- Well, since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus. - the doctor replies.

The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee.

- Guess what I got planned for dinner? - she asked seductively.

- And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today.