Dirty Jokes — best jokes

What's the difference between a barmaid in the evening and a barmaid at night?
→ A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom.
→ A barmaid at night is bare and ....

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks.

After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time.)

The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. All the people in the bar were watching, hooting and hollering, throwing money.

Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted her leg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. People were going ballistic.

Finally the third women very casually got up on the bar and asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and the jukebox starts playing.

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says:

- I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!

- Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.

- I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?

- Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.

- I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!

- Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!

Answering Machine Recording:

- You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1 now.......

- Now press the other one.

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says:

- I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!

- Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.

- I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?

- Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.

- I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!

- Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!

- Would you sleep with me for ten thousand dollars? - asked John.

- Yes, I will. - Paula replied.

- Would you do it for one thousand? - he asked.

- Well maybe, or maybe I'd do something else for you. - she answered with a wink.

- How about a blowjob for $20? - responded John.

- Hey! What kind of women do you think I am? - Paula snapped, indignantly.

- That's already been established, Paula. Now we're just haggling over the price!

The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes Madame," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?" "Braille," she replied.

What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
→ The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

This blind guy was walking pass the fish market and he said "Good morning ladies.."