Dirty Jokes — best jokes

You may have heard that a New Zealand man had a hand transplant. Guess what? His penis rejected it!

Two buddies get together and decide to go to a whorehouse, one of them tired of doing it with his wife all the time, the other not having it done for a long time. Anyways the married one goes up and comes down and says "My wife is much better." "Allright" goes the other guy, "Let me go try the same woman."

Well he goes and screws the whore, comes than says to his buddy, "You are right man, Your wife is much better."

Did you hear the one about the guy who had five penises?
→ He had a pair of underpants that fitted him like a glove.....

IDEAL DATE

- At 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in

- At 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"

- At 35 "Just come over."

- At 48 "Just come over and cook."

- At 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

Age Line

- 17 My parents are away for the weekend.

- 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

- 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.

- 48 My wife is away for the weekend.

- 66 My second wife is dead.

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...

In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion.. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.. Now all I want is a girl with big breasts..

In a Texas bar, The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from the regulars.

So to put an end to all the boasting Fred says to them:

- whip 'em out.

Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar, at the same time a gay guy walks into the bar.

Fred ask the man if there is something that he can get for him.

The gay guy replies:

- i was going to get a beer, but i'll check your buffett first

A MAN'S SCHEDULE

1. Get up.
2. Pass gas.
3. Drink cup of black coffee.
4. Pass gas.
5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work".
6. Pass gas.
7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site.
8. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out car.
9. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands.
10. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. Pass gas.
11. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas.
12. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall asleep.
13. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" online. Pass gas.

The first engineer calls out to the other:

- Hey--Nice bike! Where did you get it?

- Well - replies the other.

- I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'you can have ANYTHING you want!'

- Good choice - says the first guy.

- her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.

What's so great about being a dick?

1. You've got a head with no brains.
2. Two nuts follow you around all day.
3. Your neighbor is an asshole.
4. Your best friend is a cunt!