Dirty Jokes — best jokes

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked:

- Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?

- Well, yes, I actually did once.

- And how did your husband look?

- Angry, very angry.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said:

- Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

- Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?

- He was looking through the window at us!

Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to:

10. Tommy Lee's - Camp Kickachickee
11. Lorena Bobbit's - Camp Cutaweewee
12. Tanya Harding's - Camp Wackaneenee
13. Kenneth Star's - Camp Catchacrookee
14. Louis Farakahn's - Camp Killawhitey
15. O.J. Simpson's - Camp Killachickee
16. Michael Jackson's - Camp Wannabewhitey
17. President Clinton's - Camp Getahoochie
18. Ellen Degeneras's - Camp Lickacoochie

And the number one camp not to send your kid to:

1. Monica Lewinsky's - Camp Suckapeepee

And God Created Woman. And She was Good. She had 2 arms, 2 legs and 3 breasts.

And God asked the woman what she would like to have changed about herself. She asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good.

She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob? And God created Man!

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
3. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
4. To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
5. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
6. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
7. Illiterate? Write For Help
8. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong
9. Cat: The Other White Meat
10. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Take the test...

NO CHEATING!

What does: A woman do sitting down? A man do standing up? A dog do on three legs?

Got your guess ready yet?

GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

They shake hands!

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

- Oh my god, I am sooo sorry - the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

- Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him.

The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.

- You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?

- No - she replies....

- You just happened to catch my eye. (hee-hee, hoo-hoo, that was terrible!)

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.

- As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long!

The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.

- He also said he wants to screw me all night long!!

By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.

- He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night!!!

The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.

His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.

The boyfriend says:

- I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer!

The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.

He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz... down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says:

- I'm a dove and I've been loved!

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said:

- I'm a Lark and I've been sparked.

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.

The Duck is lying there really pissed off, and says:

- I'm a Drake and there's been a mistake!

What is the difference between a Scottish man and a member of the Rolling Stones?
→ A member of the Rolling Stones says:

- Hey you! Get off my cloud!

The Scot says:

- Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

- Well - replied the man - When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.

- Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much - said his friend.

- I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!

The groom nodded gently and said:

- I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!