Random joke from this category
Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating:
- At last they're together. At last they're together.
A mourner whispers:
- Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this nonsense...at last they're together!
The first mourner responds:
- I'm talking about her LEGS! At last they're together!
The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her;
- Don't reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man:
- I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says:
- No problem!! I buy. I buy.
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man:
- I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine county in France.
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says:
- Okay, okay. I build, I build.
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly:
- Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman:
- Okay, okay. I cut. I cut!
How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?
LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.
LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.
Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.
The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex.
The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.
So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.
A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks:
- Hello, how's the whole family doing??
The son, who answered the phone, answers:
- Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your Mom.
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's rest room?
→ Say, "Nice dick."
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
→ An itchy, twitchy twat.
Are birth control pills deductible?
→ Only if they don't work.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
→ If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts!
Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
→ Because they have cotton balls.
Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
→ Palm Sunday
What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
→ Miracle Whip.
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!
A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read:
- Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.
Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too:
- Our Stuff will stiff your Staff.
AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:
- I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.
- This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way that I know how: head on.
- I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.
- Thank you. - Monica Lewinsky
Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton:
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed
Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore
Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her
