Dirty Jokes — best jokes

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf!

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him:

- Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times.

The doctor nods and gives her some pills.

- Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done.

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor:

- What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!

The doctor nodded:

- It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies:

- Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.

The son then asks his father:

- Well what's the 6 pack for?

The father replies:

- Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies:

- Well, that's for when you're married... You have one for January, one for February, one for March...

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king:

- If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess:

- Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.

The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

What was the object in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer.)

They were M&M's!!! - (get your mind out of the gutter !!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

Contest: Beer vs. Pussy

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you married. Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy.

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy - you're dead. Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy.

Too much beer and you get fat. Toom much pussy and it makes you poor. Advantage: Draw.

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage: Pussy.

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five! Advantage: Pussy.

With beer, bigger is better. Advantage: beer.

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Advantage: Pussy.

Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy.

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran. Advantage: Draw.

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer. Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy.

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says:

- Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!

So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.

- Why are you naked? - he asks.

- Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you.

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

- Who the hell are you?! - the man asks.

- I'm from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.

The husband exclaims:

- But you are naked!

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says:

- Those little bastards!

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said:

- OK, lets get out and get him.

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted:

- The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?

The guy in the front says:

- Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I'd brace myself!

God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked:

- Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done. Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?

Adam raises his hand and yells:

- Me, Me, pick me!!

So God obliged.

God looks at Eve and says:

- Well, sorry Eve...but it looks like you're stuck with the multiple orgasms.

After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said:

- Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!

The Preacher replied:

- Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...

- I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!

The man said:

- I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!

The Reverend said:

- Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church!

The man said:

- Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!

And the Reverend said:

- NO SHIT?!

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife:

- Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

- Now watch - he said. Next he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said:

- Dick, at EASE!

And his dick deflated again.

- Wow, that was amazing - said his wife. - Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said:

- Now watch this.

Then he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

and the dick sprang to life.

Then it was:

- Dick, at EASE!

But nothing happened. So the guy again said:

- Dick, at EASE!

But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says:

- For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!

Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

- What in the world are you doing!? - she asked.

The guy says...

- I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!