Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says:

- Pierre, kiss me!

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

- What are you doing, Pierre? - says the startled Marie.

- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says:

- Pierre, kiss me lower.

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

- Pierre! What are you doing? - asks the bewildered Marie.

- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers:

- Pierre, kiss me lower!

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously:

- PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!

A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, she exclaimed:

- So, that's how you guys load those things!

Yo mama's so hairy...

• Yo mama's so hairy, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
• Yo mama's so hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her.
• Yo mama's so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a head lock.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she has afros on her nipples.
• Yo mama's so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds.
• Yo mama's so hairy, when she spreads her legs, the first thing that comes to my mind is "We're going to Bush Gardens."

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said:

- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The eyes said:

- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The hands said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The stomach said:

- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The legs said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

Then the rectum said:

- I think I should be in charge.

All the rest of the parts said:

- YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge.

So the rectum closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just be an asshole!

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says:

- I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!

The second guy says:

- I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard', and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!

The third guy says:

- You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there... every morning, I wake up with a sore dingy and an butt full of quarters!

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He tells her:

- Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said:

- Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!

A guy sitting nearby asked her:

- Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?

- Why, yes, I do. How did you know?

- Hickory dickory dock!

When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

- Listen up! - Noah said with a demanding voice.

- There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back.

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.

- Quick! - he said. - Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said:

- Sorry, no land yet.

- Darn it! - exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked:

- What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?

- LOOK! - said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper... - I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff... I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em!"

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET10. Does this come in children's sizes?9. No thanks, just sniffing8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind7. Mom will love this6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here4. Will you model this for me?3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is:1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion:

- If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. - How long will this take? - she asks.

- They'll grow larger over a period of years, - he replies. The wife stops. - Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?

The husband shrugs. - Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?(He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again.)