Dirty Jokes — best jokes

A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Clem said:

- Yup, he's burnt real bad; but you'll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him.

So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said:

- Nope, it ain't Clyde.

The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said:

- Yup, he's burnt real bad; roll him over.

So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said:

- Nope, it ain't Clyde.

Frustrated, the mortician asked:

- How can you tell?

Zeke answered:

- Well, Clyde had two assholes.

- What!? - The disbelieving mortician asked.

- He had TWO assholes?

- Yup, that's right, everybody knew Clyde had two assholes.

Ever time we went to town, folks would say...'Here comes that thar Clyde with them two assholes!'

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks:

- Is your date running late?

- No - he replies.

- I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says:

- A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?

- It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me - he explains.

- Oh really? What's it telling you now? - she inquires.

- Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...

The woman giggles and replies:

- Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says:

- Damn thing must be an hour fast!

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said:

- Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse:

- Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!

When the AirForce 1 prepares to land, the Captain speaks over the intercom: "The seatbelt sign is on Mr. President, would you please put the stewardess in the upright position."

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

- I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

- I'm a cop - says the first man.

- Then we will shoot your penis off! - said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

- I'm a firemen - said the second man.

- Then we will burn your penis off! - said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man:

- And you, what do you do for a living?

And the third man answered, with a sly grin:

- I'm a lollipop salesman!

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.

The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree:

- Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!

The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said:

- I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now.

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other:

- You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should....you know..... screw her?

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked...:

- Out of what?

There was a farmer. He had alot of chickens but had no roosters. So in order to get eggs he went and got a rooster. The man he got the rooster form told him that the rooster would screw everything in sight. But the farmer wanted the rooster anyway. So he took it home and it screwed all the chickens. After a while it started screwing all the other farm animals. So one day the farmer walked up to the rooster and said, "Ya better stop screwing everything or you will screw yourself to death!" But the rooster just kept on screwing. One day the farmer was walking through the field, and he found the rooster laying on the ground with buzzards flying all around. So he walked up to the rooster and said, "I told you you'd screw yourself to death!" then the rooster opened his eyes and said, "SHUT-UP! I'm trying to get them to land!"

One day, a man went to a nearby farm to buy some of the animals that were for sale there.

He walked up to the farmer and said:

- Hey, that's a nice donkey you got there. I think I'll take it.

The farmer replied:

- That's not a donkey, that's an ass.

So, the man said:

- Okay, then, I'll take the ass. Then he walked over to the chicken coup and said:

- I like that chicken. I'll take it too.

The farmer replied:

- That is a pullet.

So the man said:

- Okay, I'll take the pullet.

He was looking at a rooster and said:

- Well, I guess I'll take the rooster, too.

The farmer replied:

- That's not a rooster, it's a cock.

So they load the pullet and the cock into the back of the man's truck and tie the ass to the back. The man then pays the farmer as the farmer tells him:

- Now, sometimes the ass gets a little stubborn and he stops. All you have to do is get out and scratch his back, and he'll go again.

So the man drives away. All of a sudden, the ass stops, and the pullet and the cock fly out of the back. The man is trying to get them back when a woman comes out and says:

- Can I help you?

The man replies:

- Yeah, could you grab my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?

One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkepper:

- I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with

The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said:

- This gun is perfect for any deer

Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear.

Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.

- What the hell do you think you are doing? - asked the bear.

- I'm sorry, I did mean to, I'll never do it again! - whined Fred.

- Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am - explains the Bear.

Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass.

All pissed off Fred drives away muttering:

- I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin bear is going to that to me.

Fred goes goes bak to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, and goes back to the park.

Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear.

- I'm sorry, I'll never do it agian, I promise - screams Fred.

- I thought I told you not to come back here again - exclaims the bear:

- now pull down your pants.

Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again.

Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering:

- That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin bears head clean off

When he gets back to thte sporting goods store he explains to the shopkeeper:

- I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful.

The shopkeepers hands him a gun and says:

- This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this

Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Loooking around he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.

- You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?

A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture.

The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do mathmetics.

He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives.

They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native:

- Tree.

The native repeats:

- Tree.

They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says:

- Bush.

The native repeats the word:

- Bush.

They walk around the bush - and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple whoopi. The Missionary hopes that the native won't ask about it, but he does.

The native asks:

- What is that? What are they doing?

And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies:

- Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!

Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act.

The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks:

- Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people! WHY did you kill those two people?! I told you that they were riding a bicycle!

The native answers:

- Him riding MY bicycle!