Celebrities — best jokes

- Producer: Would you call your leading lady ugly?

- Director: Let's just say she'd look better on radio than on TV.

- Fred: I met a really conceited actor the other day.

- Harry: Why do you say he's conceited?

- Fred: Well, every time there was a thunderclap during the storm, he went to the window and took a bow.

Why do actors like snooker halls?
→ Because that's where they get their best cues.

Why does an actor enjoy his work so much?
→ Because it's all play.

A bit-part actor finally got his first leading role in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off a high diving board in to a swimming pool. He climbed to the top of the board, looked down and promptly climbed down again.

"What's the matter?" asked the director.

"I can't jump from that board!" said the actor. "Do you know there's only one foot of water in that pool?"

"Yes," said the director. "We don't want you to drown, you know."

- Neighbour: Haven't I seen you on TV?

- Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me?

- Neighbour: Off.

What's the definition of a good actor?
→ Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.

An actor went to see a new agent one day and said, "You must have a look at my act, it really is innovative."

So saying, he flew up to the ceiling, circled the room a few times and landed smoothly on the agent's desk.

"So you do bird impressions," said the agent, "what else can you do?"

- Fred: I'd love to be an actress.

- Harry: Break a leg then!

- Amy: Whatever for?

- Fred: Then you'd be in a cast for weeks.

Why was the actor pleased to be on the gallows?
→ Because at last he was in the noose.