Celebrities — best jokes

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night?
→ "Now I know why you called your company Microsoft"

Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?
→ They both say... "insert Bill here!"

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.

They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape, Eva applies another iron.

"I can't spend eternity like that," says Clinton. "Show me something else." Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper."

Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.

Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more. "I can't spend eternity like that, either," says Clinton. "Show me something better." Satan takes Bill to the last door.

Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex. Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me." Satan smirks and says "Good choice, Mr. President."

He looks down at Monica and says...

"You can get up now, Honey. We've finally found your replacement!"

What happened to Chelsea Clinton's younger brother?
→ Monica swallowed him!

Sung to the Oscar Mayer? song:
His baloney has a first name,
It's "I did not inhale."

His baloney has a second name:
"I wasn't getting tail."

He loves to sling it every day,
The White House people all just say,
That Billy Clinton has a way
Of making bullshit sound OK!

How are a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky alike?
→ Insert Bill here.

There was no action at the White House the past few days, hear about this?

Yea, I guess it was labeled a "No Open Fly" zone!

Why'd the chicken cross the road?
→ He was attached to Dennis Rodman's head!

How did Stevie Wonder pierce his ears?
→ He answered the stapler (hello? OUCH)

The latest news is, that Bill Clinton has bought a new cigar holder. Unfortunately, due to security reasons, they can't tell us her name!