Celebrities — best jokes

Chelsea Clinton was home for Christmas break. She was having lunch with her dear mother, Hillary, just talking about typical girl stuff. Hillary says to Chelsea, "My, my what a fine young lady you have turned out to be. Being a sophomore at Stanford and all, I'm so proud!"

Hillary proceeds to give Chelsea a hug then speaks softly and asks her a question. "Say, I was just wondering since you're all grown up now. Have you, um, had sex yet?".

Chelsea ponders and contemplates then responds.

"Um, not according to dad."!

What's the difference between an English Sheepherder and Mick Jagger?
→ Mick Jagger sings "Hey, Hey, you, you, get off of my cloud."
An English sheepherder says: "Hey, Hey MacCloud! Get off of my ewe!"

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "what's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Monica needed to get one of her dresses cleaned so she takes it to the dry cleaners. The man working there was an elderly man and was hard of hearing.

Monica said, "I need this dress cleaned." The man said, "Come again?"

Monica replied, "No, it's just mustard."

How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ One - he puts it in the socket and lets the world revolve around him.

Clinton was asked who was a better lover: Monica Lewinsky or Paula Jones.

His response: Paula was good, but no cigar.

OJ Simpson's website address: www dot 'o' dot 'j' dot com backslash backslash backslash escape.

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection.

He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as the man who "never knew how much he was kneaded". Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting most of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife -- they have two children and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 4:25 for about 20 minutes.

Why should Monica Lewinsky never go to medical school?
→ She sucked as an intern!

Top 10 Reasons No One Wants to go into Space with John Glenn again:

10. The horror of seeing the effects of G-Forces on wrinkles.
11. Kept using the Hubble to find his glasses.
12. Everytime he sneezed, his teeth flew out.
13. Forgot where he was each morning, kept grabbing for Scott while calling him "Annie".
14. Constantly complaining about being "Stiff all over" while eyeing Chiaki.
15. Couldn't get him to stop doing the "Viagra" experiment.
16. When warned, "There's a Meteor Shower ahead", he thought they said, "Shower cause he'd peed the bed".
17. Couldn't seem to ever attach his urinal bag properly.
18. There's a real good reason why we call old men "Old Farts".
19. The Prunetang worked, but the Depends didn't.