A man calls the fire department and says:
- Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden.
- Very nice, - the firefighter says - but what does that have to do with the fire service?
- Well, - the man answers - the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard.
A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work.
When confronted by his boss the man explained:
- You can't park anywhere near this place!
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed:
- I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire.
The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.
- Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!
- The cups man! Save the cups! - cries George.
- Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir.
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says:
- Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.
The mexican man pleads with them:
- No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says:
- Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him:
- The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says:
- Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said:
- Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.
- Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies:
- I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.
The second Englishman remarked:
- You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn.
So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said:
- Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!
- Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies:
- You're right. He's unshakable!
The third Englishman remarked:
- Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch.
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said:
- I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!
- Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.
There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says:
- We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers:
- God Save The Queen and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers:
- Viva La France and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers:
- Remember the Alamo and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German:
- What do you want on your back for your whipping?
The German responds:
- I will take oil!
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican:
- What do you want on your back?
- I will take nothing - says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
- What will you take on your back? - the Amazons ask the American.
He responds:
- I'll take the Mexican.
- Fred: You've got a Roman nose.
- Harry: Like Julius Caesar?
- Fred: No, it's roamin' all over your face.
