Best jokes

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

- What on earth did you do that for? - shouts Frank.

- You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze.

Matt replies:

- And we weren't?

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

- Done! - says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers:

- Say something.

The dean sighs and says:

- I should have taken the money.

What do you get if you cross a student and an alien?
→ Something from another universe-ity!

What's the difference between an American student and an English student?
→ About 3000 miles!

On what kind of ships do students study?
→ Scholarships.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

All the fraternity brothers left the house for a long weekend except for Grady, who decided to stay behind and get some studying done.

One night Grady heard a noise under his bed.

Fearing it might be a burglar, he leaned over and whispered:

- Anybody there?

- No - said the burglar.

- That's funny - the boy said to himself.

- I could have sworn I heard a noise!

Tad answered the Tennessee State frat house phone.

- Hi - said the voice - this is Rollie. Come on over, we're having a real wildass party.

- Shit, Ah'd shore love to - said Tad - but Ah got me a bad case of gonorrhea.

- Bring it along! - answered Rollie.

- The way thangs is goin', mah buddies'll drink anythin'!

Soderling, the star college halfback, was taking a math exam.

The coach desperately needed him to play in the Syracuse game on Saturday, so the professor agreed to give him an oral exam.

- All right - said the prof.

- How many degrees are there in a circle?

- Uh, depends - said the boy.

- How big is that there circle?

A Mississippi professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were absent-minded.

- Professors haven't got bad memories - he declared.

- They're not absent-minded. Don't you think I know where I am right now, and don't you think tomorrow I'll know where I was last night? Would somebody like to ask me another question?

- Yes - said another guest.

- Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memories?

- Good! - said the professor.

- I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question.