Best jokes

Mrs. McKenzie was showing Corbett, the contractor, through the second floor of her new house to show him what colors to paint the rooms.

- I'd like the bathroom done in white!

Corbett walked over to the window and shouted:

- Green up! Green up!

- I want the bedroom in blue! - continued the woman.

The contractor listened and yelled out the window:

- Green up! Green up!

- The halls should be done in beige! - she instructed.

Again, the man barked out the window:

- Green up! Green up!

- Will you stop that?! - shouted the woman.

- Every time I give you a color, all you do is shout 'Green up!' What the devil does that mean?

- I'm real sorry, ma'am! - explained Corbett.

- But I got three Oklahoma basketball players down there tryin' to put in the front lawn!

Biddle and Payne, two elderly English professors, were having lunch in the cafeteria.

During the course of the conversation, Biddle said, "A student gave me a peculiar answer in class today. I asked who wrote the Merchant of Venice and a sophomore said, "Please, sir, it wasn't me!"

"Ha, ha!" laughed Payne. "And I suppose the little snot had done it all along!"

A survey was being taken on the University of Arizona campus.

The survey taker asked a soccer player:

- What do you think of bilingualism?

- Oh, I think it's okay - said the boy - if it's between consenting adults.

Arvil was coming out of the Texas University student building when he was stopped by two coeds.

- Would you like to become a Jehovah's Witness? - asked one of the girls.

- No, I really couldn't. I didn't see the accident.

- Professor: I forgot to take my umbrella this morning.

- Wife: When did you first miss it, dear?

- Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped.

- Where are my shoes? - asked the Iowa State professor as the class ended.

- They're on your feet, - said one of the students.

- So they are, - said the professor.

- It's a good thing you saw them, or I would have gone home without them!

What is the second stupidest thing in the world?
→ An Arkansas architectural student out in the middle of the ocean trying to build a foundation for a house.

What is the stupidest thing in the world?
→ An Arkansas contractor trying to build a house on the foundation.

Higginbote and Goldstein, Fordham freshmen, were discussing what kind of work would supply them with big bucks after graduation.

- Well, I've always thought I'd like to be a doctor, - said Higginbote.

- Specialize in something or other. Like obstetrics, maybe.

- Obstetrics? - scoffed Goldstein.

- At the rate science is going, you'd no sooner learn all about it when bingo! somebody'd find a cure for it.

Tipton and Baldwin shared a room on the North Carolina campus.

One day Tipton came in and said to his roommate:

- I hear there's a new case of herpes in the dorm.

- Great! - said Baldwin.

- I was getting tired of 7-Up!

Three students from Michigan State, the University of Kentucky and Texas A & M on summer vacation in France were caught smuggling cocaine and sentenced to death by guillotine. The judge turned to the boy from Michigan and asked:

- Do you have any final words, son?

- Yeah, drop dead! - snapped the Wolverine.

Hearing this, the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried out.

The executioner pulled the lever, and as the crowd gaped in astonishment, the giant blade came to a screeching halt three inches from the victim's throat.

- It's God's will! Let him go! - cried the judge.

Next the fella from U. of Kentucky was put on the block, and the judge asked again:

- And what are your final remarks, my boy?

- Go to hell! - shouted the student, and the judge signaled. The razor-sharp blade fell and miraculously stopped just a quarter inch from the condemned boy's neck.

- It's the will of God! - exclaimed the judge.

- Set him free!

Finally the Texan was put into position.

- Before you're beheaded, - said the judge:

- do you have any last words?

- Yeh! - replied the Aggie.

- If y'all will just put a little more grease on them grooves, the blade'll come down a whole lot easier!