Best jokes

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was:

- Without using numbers, represent the number 9.

Boudreaux says:

- Dat's easy

and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says:

- What in the world is that?

Boudreaux says:

- Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine.

- Fair enough - says the boss.

- Second questions, same rules, but represent 99.

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

- Der ya go sir - he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks:

- How on earth do you get that to represent 99?

Boudreaux answers:

- Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99.

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says:

- All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100.

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts:

- I got it!

He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says:

- Der ya go sir - 100.

The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux:

- Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100.

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says...:

- A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got - dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100.

- When do I start my job?!

- George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore

- Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

- Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

- Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

- The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

- Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em

- Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

- Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

- Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's

- A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

- The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

- Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

- President Clinton of the USA: It can be rearranged into: To Copulate he finds

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

- How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive! - Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind.

- You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death! - Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says:

- This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!

He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams:

- this is not what I was promised!

An angel replies:

- I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you...

- What the hell did you think I said?

You're a redneck if...

- You have more fingers than you do teeth

- You cut your grass and find a car

- You consider Denny's a Fancy Resturant

- Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors

- Your age is higher than your I.Q.

- Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"

- You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "Its a gummy bear."

- You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.

- You say "Watch this" everytime before you goto the hospital.

- Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore...

So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman:

- I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests:

- Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's 'club'. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing.

She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman:

- That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem...

- How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?

Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.

The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend:

- Hey, why don't you try this ball.

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.

- Use this one - You can't lose it!

His friend replies:

- What do you mean you can't lose it?!!

The first man replies:

- I'm serious, you can't lose it.

- If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says:

- Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?

The man replies:

- I found it.

(Think about it... it'll come to you :)

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?

- I brought a Walkman.

- And what is it for?

- You can listen to music with it!

- That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?

- I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!

- Well done, Kenny.

- Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!

- Yes, I did. It's in the hall.

So the entire class goes into the hallway.

- Umm, Johnny, what is that?

- It's a heart/lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going.

- Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?

- He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'

JUST FAUX FUN

- Can you loan me faux dollars ?

- What faux ?

- To buy faux diamonds.

- What do you need with faux diamonds ?

- I have sixteen, but I need faux more.

- Okay, why do you need twenty faux diamonds ?

- No, just twenty, not twenty-faux .

- You CAN'T be faux real ! Besides, I don't have faux dollars.

- Thanks faux nothing !

- Why do you REALLY need faux dollars ?

- Well, it's faux pas.

- And why does pas need faux dollars ?

- 'Cause Ma SPENT all of his !

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.
2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."
4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.
5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.
6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.
8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.