Best jokes

LIFE UNDER THE SEA

What is life like under the sea? Is it a dogfish eat dogfish world? Is everyone united for a common porpoise? Or do they all split off in their own special groupers? Well, one tragic story indicates it's not so perfect down there.

There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of it's flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy and always whistled a happy tuna.

One day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeon's treatments had made him more eel than he had been and the conked him with a malpractice suit.

Well, the sturgeon was in a real pickeral. The board chased him off the staff and demanded his oyster. But fortunately the case smelt to high heaven so the judge denied the plaintiff's clam. The board tried to hire the sturgeon back but by then he had hit the bottlenose pretty hard. But what's really shad about the story is that the sturgeon ended up on squid-row...

Which condom would you use....

- Nike Condoms: Just do it.

- Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

- Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

- Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

- Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

- Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

- Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

- Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

- Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

- Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

- Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

- New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

- California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

- Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

- KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

- Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

- Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

- Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

- The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

- General Electric: We bring good things to life!

- AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

- Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

- Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

- Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

- M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

- Chevron: use them? people do.

- Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

- MCI: for friends and family

- Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

- The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

- Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

- United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

- The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

- Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

- Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

- Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

- Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

- McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

- Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

- Burger King: Have it your way

- Dairy Queen: We treat you right

- AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

- Would you mind telling me, Doctor - she asked - how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?

- That's easy - he replied. You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.

"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?"

"Well, you might ask them..."

"Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.

Which one?"

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh:

- You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?

"I must confess I don't know much about history." (DOH!)

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

- Well, tell me! - the man said.

The policeman said:

- We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.

Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said:

- Give me the bad news first.

So the policeman said:

- I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay.

- Oh my god! - said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.

Remembering what the cop had said, he asked:

- So what's the good news?

- Well - said the cop, when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.

- If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?! - he asked.

And the cop replied:

- We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
→ Ilene

What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other?
→ Irene

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat.

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat.

He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat.

The Barman was curious about this and said:

- I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?

The man replied:

- I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish.

- What did you wish for? - said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said:

- You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says:

- That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:

- Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

1. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
5. Ahh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
9. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

And here's a bonus funny from: Siglets.com

Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears ...

Sometimes...when you are worried....no one sees your pain...

Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...

But fart just one time...

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

- Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?

- Because he was conceived during a mighty storm - she said.

Then he asked:

- Why is my sister named Cornflower?

- Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her - she replied.

He then asked:

- And why is my other sister called Moonchild?

- We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived - the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son...:

- Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

- I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

- The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

- I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.

- I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

- An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

- I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

- I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

- In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

- I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.

- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.