Best jokes

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

- As smart as bait.

- Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

- Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

- Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

- Forgot to pay his brain bill.

- His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

- If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

- Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

- Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

- Receiver is off the hook.

- Surfing in Nebraska.

- An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

- A few beers short of a six-pack.

- A few peas short of a casserole.

- The cheese slid off his cracker.

- Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

- Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

- He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Rarely do we receive a chain letter I feel compelled to pass on, but under the circumstances....

President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.

Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)

And to do my part, I'm buying stickers for all women who participate.

Stop by my house so I can put the sticker on you to show you helped!

Names and addresses of non-participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.

The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you!

A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said:

- You're really doing great, aren't you?

The man replied:

- Just doing what you said doctor, 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful.'

The doctor said:

- I didn't say that!...

- I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!

What's the best thing about growing old?
→ You get to hide your own Easter eggs.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

- You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.

- Why? - asked somebody from the audience.

- I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years - the expert explained.

- She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

- One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

- Did it save time? - the guy in the audience asked.

- Actually, yes - replied the expert.

- It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

- Now I do it in ten...

PRESS RELEASE: Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington
Statement by the Press Secretary
President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:
CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!

WE HAVE PLEDGED:

- 2 BATTLE SHIPS

- 600 GROUND TROOPS

- 6 FIGHTER JETS

AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:

- 2 CANOES

- 6 MOUNTIES

- AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked:

- Why are you laughing?

- I was thinking about my own funeral - the man replied.

- What's so funny about that?

- I'm a gynecologist.

A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.

There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel.

The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.

- What's that - says the Texan.

- Oh! That's Queens Park - says the Cabby.

- Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government. Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.

- Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large - says the Texan.

They continue along and past First Canadian Place.

- Holy cow - says the Texan.

- What's that?

- Why that's First Canadian Place, its the biggest office complex in the country - says the Cabby.

- it took almost 4 years to build.

- Really - says the Texan.

- Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time.

They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower. Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850' tower and rotating restaurant at 1300'.

- Holy Crap! - says the Texan.

- What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!

The Cabby non chalantly glances out the window and says:

- Heck if I know, it wasn't there yesterday!

The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.

She told the students to each take only one treat.

Next to the basket of apples was a sign: Take only one, God is watching.

As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said:

- Take all you want, God's watching the apples!

One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked:

- Son what happened?

- I jumped in that creek down the road.

- Why did you do that?

- I dunno.

His dad was very angry and said:

- If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm gonna tan that hide - just because! Is that clear?

- Yes dad - replies his son.

The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.

When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked:

- Didn't I tell you not to jump in that creek again?

- Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!

His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him:

- Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say 'Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus'.

- Ok dad - replied the son.

Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.

His dad said:

- I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!

- I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!

Good girls say:

- thanks for a wonderful dinner...

Bad girls say:

- what's for breakfast?

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love italian food...
Bad girls love italian waiters.