Best jokes

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said:

- I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like:

- Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you.

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

- Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home - said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said:

- See! That guy was really stupid!

- No kidding - replied George W.

- There was a pay phone just around the corner...

- You could have called instead?

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

- Well, what do you want? - he snarled at the blonde.

- I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?

Why Dogs don't surf the web...

- Can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000.

- Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

- Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

- Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

- Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

- Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

- Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

- SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

- SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

- Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.

- Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.

- Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender:

- I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip...same reaction.

But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:

- Shay mishter, tashte this!

The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.

- That tastes like pee! - he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies:

- It ish. Now how old am I?

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her:

- Why are you staring at me?

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said:

- My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!

Q&A's about Salami Bin Coward & the Talibuttheads:

Why does Salami Bin Coward carry a Turd in his pocket?
→ It's his photo ID.

What do Salami Bin Coward and Hiroshima have in common?
→ Nothing - "yet".

How do you play Talibutthead bingo?
→ B-52... F-16... B-1...

What is the Talibuttheads national bird?
→ Duck.

How is Salami Bin Coward like Fred Flintstone?
→ Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

What does Salami Bin Coward and General Custer have in common?
→ They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

What's the difference between the Talibuttheads and a bucket of crap?
→ The bucket.

What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
→ Two days.

Why don't Salami Bin Coward's people eat turd sandwiches?
→ They hate bread.

Why don't the Talibuttheads have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
→ The camels can't handle it.

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied:

- Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?

JOKESGALORE NEWS FLASH
10 - 29 - 2001:
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in one of the neighborhoods in Cleveland, Ohio.

Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.

Police Officials have detained the following terrorists on civil unrest issues:

1. Bin Sleepin
2. Bin Drinkin
3. Bin Fightin

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, anywhere in the neighborhood.

Police are very confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community. No further information available.

END OF NEWS FLASH

Sung to the tune of "Day-O" (The Banana Boat Song)

Day-O...oh Day-O,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Run Mr Taliban, we know where you're hiding,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Hey USA, USA, USA...

Air force come and they flatten you home
60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Old Uncle Sam's pissed, he ain't no quitter,
Air force come and they flatten your home
When we finish you all be crying,
Air force come and they flatten your home,
Pilot is brother of New York fireman
Air force come and they flatten your home

Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.

- There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head. (Jay Leno)

- We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves. (David Letterman)

- It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard. (David Letterman)

- There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail. (Jay Leno)

- People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan. (Jay Leno)

- Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo.' (Jay Leno)

- We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis. (Jay Leno)

- There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country. (Jay Leno)