Women Jokes — worst jokes

One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

What's long and hard and excites a girl when she's finally lucky enough to get on it?
→ The road to success!

Why didnt NASA send a woman to the moon yet?
→ Because it does not need to be cleaned!

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

What's the difference between a barmaid in the evening and a barmaid at night?
→ A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom.
→ A barmaid at night is bare and ....

Some beauty parlors do a great job.

One young man followed a young woman for twenty blocks. Then he found out it was his grandmother.

Should I have a baby after 35?
→ No, 35 children is enough.

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks.

After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time.)

The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. All the people in the bar were watching, hooting and hollering, throwing money.

Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted her leg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. People were going ballistic.

Finally the third women very casually got up on the bar and asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and the jukebox starts playing.

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."