Women Jokes — worst jokes

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle.

Wouldn't it be great if men were made by Kodak!

- They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used.

- You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.

- They last longer and come with a warranty.

- You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.

- They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.

- They come in fashion colors.

- You can keep them in maximum zoom.

- They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.

- The parts that count are portable.

- They don't mind over-exposure.

- They respond to the slightest touch.

- The one you want is available at a KMART near you

Ladies...read and heed!

SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship." We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. No, you can't have the remote control.

Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.

Check your oil. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers. Share the closet. Share the bathroom.

Your brother is an idiot. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. You have too many shoes. You have enough clothes. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Dogs are better than cats. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like every other cat. Don't make us guess. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Pharmacuticals is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. According to company spokesman, Peter Riser, the following drugs are under testing now:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

The National Organzation For Women is lobbying congress and the FDA to make these new drugs available for sale over the counter, as well as available in men's rooms everywhere.

In order to appeal to a boader customer base, Pfizer is also developing the following drugs intended primarily for women:

NagAgra - Causes Women not to nag their spouse.

HonydewAgra - Causes women to actually do house hold maintenance instead of just writing things down.

InformAgra - Causes women to tell their spouses about plans they have made that involve said spouse.

Butt-outAgra - Causes women not to pry into the personal lives of others and mind their own business.

PersonalAgra - Causes women not to discuss their sex lives with aquaintances of their spouse

SportAgra - Makes women understand the male need for consuming large quantities of fermented beverages while watching contact sports.

Cindi CrawfordAgra - Need I say more?

(Age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

(Age 32)

1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more then he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers anniversaries
10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week

(Age 42)

1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends

(Age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

(Age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

(Age 72)

1. Breathing.....

The Perfect Day According To...

HER
8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 - Light breakfast
11:00 - Sunbathe
12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 - Shopping
2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 - Make love
11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM
10:00 - Wake up
10:02 - SEX
10:10 - Big Breakfast
11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
3:15 - SEX
3:25 - Play sports with the guys
4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 - SEX
6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer
11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
11:10 - Sleep
2:30 - Fart

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says:

- Honey, look what I won at bingo.

Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says:

- Honey look what I won at bingo.

Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says:

- Honey, look what I won at bingo.

The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks:

- Honey shall I draw you a bath?

To which she replies:

- Why sure.

As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub.

She asks:

- how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?

To which the husband replies:

- I wouldn't want you to get your bingo card wet!

A girl goes on a blind date.

The blind date hadn't been all that great, and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, her date suddenly said:

- Hey! You wanna see my underwear?

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She glanced down and said:

- Nice design - does it also come in men's sizes?

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day with the following exercises a week before the exam, you will be totally prepared for the test -- and best of all -- you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible -- and then lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO: Go into your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just right. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared. Final thoughts for women readers:

• MENtal illness
• MENstrual cramps
• MENtal breakdown
• MENopause

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day - and when we have real trouble - it's HISterectomy.