Situations — worst jokes

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy: "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard!"

All about smoking:

Remember, smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's only fair. Since smokers aren't around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they're here.

I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.

Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts -- especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.

Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don't have to cut it off of you.

The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewn right into the lining, and there's a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies "A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M."

"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?
→ He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.

Some Warning Signs of Insanity

• You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
• You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
• Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
• You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
• You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
• You collect dead windowsill flies.
• Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
• You like cats. Especially with mayo.
• You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
• You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
• Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
• You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
• You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
• Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
• Melba toast sexually excites you.
• When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
• You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
• You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
• Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
• Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
• You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
• You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
• You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
• People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

And once again the low self-esteem therapy group meets here at the Salvation Army Hall next Tuesday at 3.00 P.M. Remember that we prefer if you would use the back entrance.

There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?"

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."

"Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me."

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."