Situations — worst jokes

A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

"Where can I buy one?" he is asked.

Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.

"I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.

I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?

"Sure."

The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."

I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

The city feller says just give me my money back then.

"Can't, spent it already!"

"Well... unload the mule then."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"Raffle him off!"

"Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!"

"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."

One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

"What did ya do with that dead mule?"

"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thts" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"Oh no, you horrible man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?"

At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"

The Volunteer Fire Chief in a small town had just been buried. The last words of the service over, his friends and family started toward their cars.
However, they stopped because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard from the grave.
As the guests looked around, a colleague of the deceased said, "Don't worry... it's just the dispatcher toning him out."

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin. The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

Only in America do we chain $2.00 ink pens to the counter but leave our $58,000 cars out in the driveway.

These two Scottish characters are chatting. One of them then pulls out an expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time.

"That's a fine watch you got there!" says the other.

"Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather," says the guy with the watch.

"Really?"

"Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed."

How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Only one, but he'll tell everybody.

What do me and a mirror have in common?
→ When we see your face we both crack up!

I don't know where you got your face from, but I hope you have the receipt.