Situations — worst jokes

- It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again.

- Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.

The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down."

The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.

"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!"

"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."

A bit-part actor finally got his first leading role in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off a high diving board in to a swimming pool. He climbed to the top of the board, looked down and promptly climbed down again.

"What's the matter?" asked the director.

"I can't jump from that board!" said the actor. "Do you know there's only one foot of water in that pool?"

"Yes," said the director. "We don't want you to drown, you know."

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.

Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"

"Well," one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground."

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief...
"My agent came to my house?"

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.

Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"

"Well," one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground."

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief...
"My agent came to my house?"

One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm looking for my dollar bill,' Max replied. 'I lost it down the road.'

'Why don't you look for it there?'

'Because the light's better here!'

'Five dollars for one question!' said the girl to the fortune-teller. 'That's very expensive, isn't it?'

'Next!'

- Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt.

- Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!

The theatrical manager exclaimed: "Your last role was magnificent, Mr. Brown. You enacted so well that officer wounded on the battlefield. Your suffering looked very much like real."

"It was. I've got a large nail in my shoe."

"Well," said the manager, "for heaven's sake leave it in until the end of the run of the play."