Situations — worst jokes

I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible. I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation. "That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. "And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."

He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire"
11. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell
12. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair"
13. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room"
14. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow"
15. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook"
16. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula"
17. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You"
18. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village"
19. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error. - Janet Coleman
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. - Andy Rooney
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. - George Carlin
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. - Paul Beatty
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. - Mae West
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. - Jimi Hendrix
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. - Marty Feldman
How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars. - Steve Martin
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. - W.C. Fields
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. - Samuel Palmer

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35 Chicken or Beef $2.25 Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
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