Situations — worst jokes

JOKESGALORE NEWS FLASH
10 - 29 - 2001:
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in one of the neighborhoods in Cleveland, Ohio.

Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.

Police Officials have detained the following terrorists on civil unrest issues:

1. Bin Sleepin
2. Bin Drinkin
3. Bin Fightin

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, anywhere in the neighborhood.

Police are very confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community. No further information available.

END OF NEWS FLASH

Mike's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.

He asks Mike, "Vat sims to be ze problem?" Mike says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock-tick-tock' anymore.

Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"

The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.

Then he says in a menacing voice...

"Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

1. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
2. Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
3. All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
4. Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.
5. Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.
6. When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
7. 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.
8. During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
9. Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.
10. The entire British population lives in London.
11. It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.
12. In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.
13. When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.

Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him - HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.

The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.

Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

As Time Goes By - A Brief History Lesson...

3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put.

214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.

1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

432 - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1297 - The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1456 - An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1607 - The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".

1755 - Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1770 - The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.

1805 - Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

1807 - Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1865 - Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.

1912 - People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1934 - As if the Great Depression weren't giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
21. I can see the gun of Navarone.
22. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
23. You've got Windows on your laptop.
24. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
25. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
26. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
27. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
28. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
29. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
30. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
31. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
32. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
33. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
34. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
35. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
36. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
37. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
38. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
39. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat!... he flattened the cat.

Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me, madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said...

"He looks like thts" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"Oh no, you horrible man", she replied.

"I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?"

The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"