Random joke from this category
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," she yelled back over the sound of the siren, "It's a SCARF!"
Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )
Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
→ No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.
Are you married?
→ No, I'm divorced.
And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
→ A lot of things I didn't know about.
Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
→ No.
What was he doing with the dog's ears?
→ Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
→ Attached to the ears.
And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
→ Oral.
How old are you?
→ Oral.
Do you drink when you're on duty?
→ I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
→ Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!
Are you sexually active?
→ No, I just lie there.
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye!"
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!"
IDIOT SIGHTINGS...
Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Idiot Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving!"
Idiot Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often," Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Idiot Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Idiot Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side..."
Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.
Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?
He thinks for a minute and says, "Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down."
She exclaims, "I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!"
The husband replies, "Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!"
To make this work, do this as fast as you can and don't cheat!
Spell Fort 5 times
Say Fort 4 times
Spell Fort 4 times
Say Sort 3 times
Spell Fort two times
Say Fort once
Quick!...
What do you eat cereal with? (Scroll Down)
→ You're pretty weird...most people use a Spoon! :)
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank.
"You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"
Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"
A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy with a puzzled look asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "oh yes, its a real good baby."
With even a more surprised and shocked look he said, "Then why in the world did you eat him?"
