Sex Jokes — worst jokes

A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.

He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. "Downsizing."

He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them."

He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.

Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.

"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything okay?"

He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."

And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so I suggest you jack off."

"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you."

THIS MEANS:

1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transformed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)
6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.
7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.
8. He is in an isolation tank.
9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness to fake.
10. He is feeling others. :)

What's the biggest drawback in the jungle?
→ The Elephants foreskin.

What do you do when a Rottweiler gets amorous on your leg?
→ Fake an orgasm.

What are 3 problems about being an egg?
→ You only get laid once, the only woman to sit on your face is your mother, and it takes 4 minutes to get hard.

A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that. He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days. On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, And again. Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says "For Christ's sake, what do you want now?" The camel puckers up and makes little sucking noises.

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.

It was far out of reach.

A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.

"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.

"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.

"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."

The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant."

"Be my guest!", said the elephant.

So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head.

"OUCH!", said the elephant.

Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.

He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.

"Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.

"No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie style."

"Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."

"I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks."

My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time achieving an orgasm.

The Dr said "which position do you use?"

"Doggy style," said dumb shit.

"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if that works any better." said the Dr.

"We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"