Sex Jokes — worst jokes

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do."

The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."

"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away."

He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

"What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?"

"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."

A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.

She replied, "You mean imagine that it's good?!"

"I'm worried," said the woman to her sex therapist. "I happened to find my daughter and the little boy next door both naked and examining each other's bodies."

"That's not unusual," smiled the therapist. "I wouldn't worry about it."

"But I am worried, doctor," insisted the woman, "and so is my daughter's husband!"

A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.

"My husband," she said, "always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me."

"Is that a problem?" asked the therapist.

"Well," she said, "the problem is he walks in his sleep!"

A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language.

"Alright," said the husband, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast."

"Okay," said the wife, "What should I do then?"

"Well, when you want to have sex," he told her, "rub my penis once. When you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times."

A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him, "When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can't see a thing."

"Hmmm...that's an interesting optical reaction to sex," said the researcher. "Would you mind if I had a look at it?"

So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!

Have you heard about the new medication that both an aphrodisiac and laxative?

It's called "Easy Cum, Easy Go".

• "Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."
• "I won't come in your mouth, I promise."
• "I'm not really married."
• "It's only a cold sore."
• "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality."
• "Size isn't important."
• "This won't hurt, I promise."
• "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other."
• "We'll always be together."
• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
• A man in the house is worth two in the street.
• A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
• A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
• Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
• All the good ones are taken.
• Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
• Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
• Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
• Do it only with the best.
• Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
• Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
• Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
• If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
• If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
• If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law).
• If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married.
• If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
• If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.
• It is always the wrong time of month.
• It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
• It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
• It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
• Love comes in spurts.
• Love is a hole in the heart.
• Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
• Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
• Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
• Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
• Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
• Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
• Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
• Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
• Never say no.
• Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
• Nice guys finish last.
• No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
• No sex with anyone in the same office.
• Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
• Nothing improves with age.
• One good turn gets most of the blankets.
• People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
• Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
• Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
• Sex has no calories.
• Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
• Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
• Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
• Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
• Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
• Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
• Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
• The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
• The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.
• The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
• The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
• The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
• The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
• The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
• The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
• The younger the better.
• There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
• There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
• There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
• Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
• Virginity can be cured.
• What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
• When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
• When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
• You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
• You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.

and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.

He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.

This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.

- What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing.

- Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea.

- Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like...

- Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know... she has diarrhea.

- Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the only way to...

- Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums... a common disease called piarhemia.

- Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?

- Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!