Random joke from this category
The little rascals were in class and the teacher was giving them a vocabulary lesson. The teacher said, "Alfalfa, use the word love in a sentence". Alfalfa replies, "I love Darla".
The teacher said, "Good...now Spanky your word is respect". Spanky replies, "I respect the way Alfalfa loves Darla". The teacher said, "Very good! Now Buckweat its your turn, your word is Dictate".
Buckweat replies, "Hey Darla...how did my dictate last night?".
Science definitions from Kids...
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell a oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Three kinds of blood vessels are: arteries, vanes, and caterpillers.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is that it is something to hitch meat to.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the Moon, because there is no water in the Moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins this fight.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Equator: a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Germinate: to become a naturalized German.
Liter: a nest of young puppies.
Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
Planet: a body of earth surrounded by sky.
Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a head cold, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!"
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.
At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So, what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what's that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That's right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct."
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup."
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool."
Later that same day:Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah, what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Neighbor 1: "Fag!"
A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, LEROY GOT AN A.
The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
The Jews had trouble throughout their history with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apolstles.
Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.
Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.
The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery"
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
The people who followed Jesus was called the 12 decibles.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opposums was St. Matthew.
Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual Manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
What is one horsepower?
→ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found in rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When passing through Missouri, a typhoon is really not a hurricane but a tornado.
Scientists have found that when a toadstool is not a mushroom it is poison.
When they broke open molecules they found they were only stuffed with atoms.
But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the Earth seems to be knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.
In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1,000 feet?
→ I have never performed this experiment.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Find them all means living forever.
There is a termendious (no spelling mistake) weight pressing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.
Lime is a green tasting rock.
Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. A fossil is a dead bone.
Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
When there is a fog, you might as well not mind looking at it.
When a wave rolls over itself it is called a breaker. Of just about anything I guess.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O. When rain water strikes forest fires, it beckstingwishes them. Luckily it effects we of the humans unlike that.
Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING, SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORT
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.
This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything, until he knows for sure.
I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.
I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."
