Relationships — worst jokes

- Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday?

- You told me to surprise you.

- I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.

- That was a kind thought. But why didn't you?

- I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.

- I've been shopping for my wife's birthday present.

- What did you get her?

- A bottle of expensive toilet water. It cost 20.

- 20! Why didn't you come to my house - you could have had some of ours for free!

Sam's girlfriend's birthday was the same day as his father's. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol.

He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying, 'Use this all over yourself and think of me.'

Unfortunately he put the note on his father's present.

- Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days?

- No. Why?

- Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.

A wildlife biologist crew leader has several crews, each consisting of two biologists. The crews camped and worked in the woods and he made his rounds to visit each pair every few days. One particular crew, Sarah and Jim, were not getting nearly as much work accomplished as the others, so he suspected that they might be up to some funny business. The following day, he paid them a visit.

"Is anything funny going on here"? he asked.
"What do you mean by that?" the pair asked back.
"I mean, you're not getting much fieldwork done. Are you two, you know, maybe doing something you're not supposed to do?"
"Absolutely not!" the Jim replied. " We are strictly co-workers"
"Oh yes," the Sarah replied, " We hike all day, record our data, return back, and fall asleep exhausted.
"That's right!" Jim replied, "and me in my tent, and she in hers!"

The crew supervisor spent the remainder of the day in the field with the pair. He left the field early, returned to camp, retrieved his Jeep and left the area.

The following day, the biologist pair had lost their $1000 GPS unit.
They searched high and low, but could not find it. It had simply disappeared from their camp. After a few frantic days, they suspected that the crew leader had taken it. It was the only plausible explanation. That evening, they called him on the 2-way radio, and politely asked weather he may have inadvertently taken the unit.

"As a matter of fact, I did take it the day I came up to see if you two were sleeping together. After realizing I had accidentally taken it with me from the field, I placed it in Sarah's sleeping bag where she would be sure to find it!"

Jack and Jill were riding a tandem up a hill, but making heavy weather of it. At the top, Jack said:

'I didn't think we'd make it!' Jill replied,

'Nor did I - what a good thing I kept the brakes on, or we'd have slid all the way back down!'

- Romeo: Your cheeks are like petals.

- Juliet: Really?

- Romeo: Yes, bicycle pedals.

- I'd love you to stay the night, but I'm afraid you'll have to make your own bed.

- Oh, that's all right, I don't mind at all.

- Right. Here's a hammer, a saw, and some nails. The wood's in the garage.

I have four legs, but only one foot. What am I?
→ A bed

When Mr Maxwell's wife left him, he couldn't sleep.
Why was that?
→ She had taken the bed.