Redneck Jokes — worst jokes

Redneck Driver's License Application...

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________
First name: [] Billy-Bob [] Bobby-Sue [] Billy-Joe [] Bobby-Jo [] Billy-Ray [] Bobby-Ann [] Billy-Sue [] Bobby-Lee [] Billy-Mae [] Bobby-Ellen [] Billy-Jack [] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: []M []F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: [] Farmer [] Mechanic [] Hair Dresser [] Waitress [] Un-employed [] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: [] Sister [] Aunt [] Brother [] Uncle [] Mother [] Son [] Father [] Daughter [] Cousin [] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [] 5th grade [] 6th grade
Do you [] own or [] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___
Total number of vehicles you own ___
Number of vehicles that still crank ___
Number of vehicles in front yard ___
Number of vehicles in back yard ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [] Yes [] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? [] Yes [] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [] The National Enquirer [] The Globe [] TV Guide [] Soap Opera Digest [] Rifle and Shotgun [] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: [] Weekly [] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth: [] Yellow [] Brownish-Yellow [] Brown [] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [] Red-Man [] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road? [] 1 mile [] 2 miles [_] don't know

What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
→ Either way somebody loses a trailer home!

You know you're a redneck if your wife wants to take a bath but you have to move the transmision from the tub first.

You know you're a red neck when you go to family reunions to pick up chicks!

If you've been married three times and your in-laws aint changed then you might just be a redneck.

If a sign reads say no to crack and you pull up your pants then you might just be a redneck.

You know you are redneck when you mow your lawn and find a car.

You know you are redneck when your favorite shirt is illegal in more then 15 states.

You know you are redneck when you shut your car door and your gun makes you a sun-roof.

You know you are redneck when your friends go water skiing while you are towing your boat to the lake.

You might be a redneck if your exhaust system incorporates more than three wire hangers and at least two juice cans.

You might be a redneck if you think "fat-free" means undoing your belt and the first 3 buttons.

You know you're a redneck when you think marriage vows are what your father-in-law promised to do to you if you didn't marry his daughter.

You might be a redneck if an intimate evening at home consists of sharing the remote.

You might be a redneck if it's easier to rotate your home than your TV antenna.

You might be a redneck if you use old newspapers in more than 3 ways in your home.

You know you're a redneck if you stare at the Orange Juice container because it says "Concentrate."

You know you're a redneck when some one yells "hoe down" and your wife drops to the floor!

You might be a redneck if you can relate to the following statements:

1. "Nothing says lovin' like lovin? your cousin!"
2. "Why go across town when you can go across the hall?"
3. "If you can't keep it in the pants then keep it in the family."

You know you're a redneck when your family tree is a wreath.

You know your a redneck when your town priest is also your town plummer.

You know you're a redneck when you're front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You have a home that is mobil and 14 cars that aren't.

You know you're a redneck when you have seven cars in your driveway, but only one works.

What was the last thing the redneck said before he died?
→ "Hey y'all, watch this!"

You know your a redneck if your Thanksgiving turkey was once a family pet!

You might be a redneck if you wear cowboy boots with shorts.

• Windows - A danger zone for Fido.
• Modem - A good way to get rid of weeds.
• Mouse - Something the cat chases.

A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were.

The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive.

"Hell," says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!"

You might be a redneck if...
You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You might be a redneck if...
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You might be a redneck if...
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a redneck doctor?
→ He signs "his" name under "cause of death!"

Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world.

One physician says, "Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!"

The other doctor replied, "Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!"

In the middle of his honeymoon, the young hillbilly bridegroom left his bride back at the hotel and shows up at his parents house completely distraught. His father asks him, "Son, why you not with you bride on you honeymoon?"

The boy replies, "Daddy I was jus' gettin ready to love my bride when she tell me she want me to know she a virgin. So I come to ask what do I do?"

The father says, "Boy don' be tellin me you don' know what do wid a womin, specially a virgin.."

The boy says, "Daddy, course I knows what to do wid a woman, but dis be ma wife." The father replies, "So what difference dis make?" To which the son says, "Well daddy, I jus got to figure if she ain't good nuff for her own family she shore ain't good enough for ours!"