Police Jokes — worst jokes

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A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the car in back of me."

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"

- No, I am an undercover detective.

- So why are you in uniform?

- Today is my day off.

- When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.

- You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old.

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said "It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."

"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"

He said "about ten gallons."

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"