Police Jokes — worst jokes

Fargo, North Dakota:
A candidate for sheriff has challenged his opponents to a shootout, calling it a test of a law officer's ability to protect the public.

"Clearly, being the best shot doesn't necessarily make you the best sheriff, but I think it proves a point," Ken Schwab said Tuesday.

Schwab wants the four other candidates to meet him June 1 at a shooting range. Each will fire 24 rounds at targets to determine the best shot, Schwab said.

The challenge could be a problem for one candidate -- a well-known local tax protester and convicted felon who's not allowed to possess a firearm.

A bird dropped a snake over a California power station, short-circuiting a line and causing a two-hour blackout.

A Creighton University (Nebraska) Law School senior, told she wouldn't graduate because of a failing grade on a final exam, sued her professor, claiming he flunked her because she is "politically incorrect."

Biloxi, Mississippi, jurors acquitted a woman of drug charges, then passed the hat to collect $55 to pay her bus fare home to Texas.

A man allegedly held up 18 New York businesses after casing the places while filling out job or rental applications. The spree ended after he accidentally signed his real name on one of the forms, police said.

Harlan County, Nebraska, Assessor Floyd Schippert was unopposed in the Democratic primary, and just to be sure, he entered -- and won -- the Republican primary also.

Willie Turner wasn't running for the Dendron, Virginia, Town Council. He didn't even vote. But he won with five write-in votes.

A Hollywood, California man is accused of renting cars, selling them, then stealing them back for return to the rental companies.

Corpus Christi, Texas, police said it was a hit-and-gallop accident: A man crashed his truck into the back of a car, then fled on the horse he was pulling in the trailer.

LOS ANGELES TIMES, December 9:
A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money. The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.

When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked out the door. It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.

A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

- Policeman: I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night.

- Man: What's the charge?

- Policeman: Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service

My horoscope read, "You're going places and you can't be stopped."

Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole.

Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness. "Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer. "Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

- Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

- Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

- Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

- Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

- Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

- Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

- Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

- Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

- Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

- Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

- Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

- Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

- Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

- Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

- Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

- Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

- Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

- Pizza Man: I don't think so.

click

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

- Officer: May I see your driver's license?

- Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

- Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

- Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

- Officer: The car is stolen?

- Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

- Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

- Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

- Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

- Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

- Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

- Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

- Captain: Who's car is this?

- Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

- Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

- Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

- Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

- Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

- Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

- Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too