Police Jokes — worst jokes

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The Best Excuse

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply. "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Off you go," said the officer.

Darwin Awards 1996

[San Jose Mercury News]

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.

His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]. "Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.]

Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in a Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned.

Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

[Times of London]

A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sun bed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life."

More intelligence-challenged people

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Portsmouth, R. I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

In case you've forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are listed below:

  • James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]
  • Same thing up here in MI. Seems some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to "move" a downed wire from his car. Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with a 2x4 to free their freshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing.
  • Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.
  • In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.

Wrong Way

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

- Cop: Do you know where you were going?

- Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad, cause all the people were leaving!

Bilingual Dog

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

What Not To Tell Cops

Things NOT to say to a Cop!

  1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
  2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
  3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
  4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!
  5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
  6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
  7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
  8. Bad cop! No Donut!
  9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
  10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "Cops"?
  11. You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
  12. I pay your salary!
  13. So, duhhhh, you on the take, or what?
  14. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.
  15. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
  16. I was trying to keep up with the other traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far ahead of me they are.
  17. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained observer!

The Final FBI Test

There is an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Ukranian and the are in their final stages of training for the FBI. The agents explained to them their final test.

"We have each one of your wives contained in separate cells and what you guys have to do in order to complete your FBI training is you have to prove your loyalty. You must grab that gun and go into your wifes cell and kill her."

The englishman grabbed the gun. "Man I hate that bitch. She is going to get it good." He walked off into the cell and was in there for about a minute. There was just silence. He came out crying, "We've been maried too long. I just cant do it." So he was booted out.

The frenchman grabbed the gun. "If I must, I must." He went into his wifes cell for about a minute and there was silence. He came walking out crying, "I love her too much. I just can't do it." So he was booted out.

So the ukranian grabbed the gun and stormed into his wifes cell. "That fucking bitch is really going to get it." Gun shots went off until there was no more shots left. He was still in the room and all of a sudden, there was banging and scrapping and crashing and then silence. The ukranian came out with cuts and briuses all over his face.

The agent asked, "What the hell happened in there?"

The Ukranian replied, "Some fucker put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the bitch!"

Homicide Investigation

A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman. The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.

The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.

The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!"

The Blonde Driver

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener!"

Lawyer On The Freeway

A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.

As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, 'my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!" As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer's right arm missing. ''Do you realize your arm is gone?'' asked the policeman?

The lawyer, stunned, began to scream, "My rolex, my brand new rolex!"

Real Police Stories

The following are actual incidents reported...

#1
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

#2
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

#3
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.