Random joke from this category
A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike.
The officer says, "Pull over," and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.
He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?"
The police officer says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back."
The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!"
Two drunks are driving down the road drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car lights flashing in the rear view mirror. "What are we going to do?" asks the drunk passenger.
"Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking."
They pull over and the cop gets out. "May I see your license and your registration?" he asks. The guy gives him his license. "Have you been drinking?" "No officer. We haven't."
"Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink?" the officer asked.
"I swear officer. I haven't had a sip."
"Well, why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?"
The man answers, "These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and stops them. They show him their papers, but he thinks they are phony.
He tells them, "Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use the words liver and cheese in a sentence."
So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch."
The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" he asks the second guy.
He says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.
The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.
Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, "What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park."
The man said, "But officer this is my wife."
The officer said, "Oh, I didn't know she was your wife."
The man said, "Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her."
A supply of Viagra was stolen last night, police are looking for two hardened criminals and they can expect stiff sentences when caught!
There was a man at a gas station, pumping gas into his truck. While pumping he got gas on his arm. He wiped some of it off, then forgot about it. He paid for his gas and got in the truck.
As he was driving down the road, he lit up a cigarette, and the gas on his arm caught on fire. He rolled down the window and was waving his arm about, when he was pulled over by the cops.
The officer charged him for improper use of firearms.
The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, "Wanted FBI agents." After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman, "We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal." The guy responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has been his dream.
The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table. "Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot her."
The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face. "I can't do that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!"
The agent than says that he just isn't FBI material, but thanks him for coming down.
They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the speel of loyalty for the country above all else. "I always wanted to be an agent, my lifelong goal it was ever since I was a school boy," he replies.
The agent than proceeds to pull out the gun and place it on the table. "Please, go into the next room and shoot your wife," FBI agent says, calmly.
The man than replies, "I can't do that, although we have our problems, I can't kill her. She is the mother of my three kids...she's just too important."
The agent offers his respect, but with regret tells him that he just isn't FBI material.
Finally, the third gentleman is brought in. They go over the speel and the agent puts the gun on the table and asks him to go shoot his wife. The man nods, takes the gun and enters the next room.
Five or six shots are heard and then are proceeded by sounds of things slamming into the wall, tables splintering and shattering, muffled screams and metal bending. The FBI agent runs to the room with astonishment and confusion on his face.
"What did you do?"
The man calmly replies, "The gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat her to death with a chair!"
One day a little old nun was going 35 miles an hour down the highway. The cop pulled her over because she was so slow and asked her why she didn't go any faster.
She pointed at the sign that said highway 35 on it and said that was the speed limit. The cop corrected her and told her that it was highway 35.
The cop looked in the back and saw two scared nuns. He asked them what was wrong and they said, "We just got off highway 130!"
Did you hear?
The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery.
