Men Jokes — worst jokes

WOMEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk... = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What's wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.
→ I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.
→ I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.
→ I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA GO.
→ Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

WHAT'S WRONG?
→ I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG?
→ What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY.
→ I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
→ I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
→ I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

THE WOMAN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
→ You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

Top nine reasons computers must be male:

• They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
• A better model is always just around the corner.
• They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
• It is always necessary to have a backup.
• They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
• The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
• The lights are on but nobody's home.
• Big power surges knock them out for the night.
• Size does matter

Monday

BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the maalox
DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday

BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw
LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.

Wednesday

BREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho's
LUNCH - Rolaids and a coke
DINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps

Thursday

BREAKFAST - Order out for pizza
LUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.
DINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.

Friday

BREAKFAST - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.
LUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murder
DINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday

BREAKFAST - Sleep through it.
LUNCH - Ditto
DINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

Sunday

BREAKFAST - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
LUNCH - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
DINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend asks, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

"Can I see it?" asked the second gay homosexual, so he promptly dropped his pants to show off his cock.

"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"

Why do gay men have moustaches?
→ To hide the stretchmarks.

A long time resident of San Francisco is packing allhis stuff into boxes. His roommate comes in & askswhat he's doing. "I'm leaving !" he replies. "They justmade homosexuality legal."

"So why leave now ?" queries his roomie. "Gays havebeen part of the scene here for years and years."

"Yeah, I know." he replied. "I'm getting the hell outof here before the damn fools make it compulsory."

More gay banter...

Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they starteddiscussing them.

The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owneda factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave hisbest friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.

The second man said his son was doing just as well.

He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

The third man said his was doing well too.

He was a manager at a bank.

Why,just the other day he gave his best friend a the money to buy a house.

The fourth man just shook his head. He said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much.

But he must be doing something right because,just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!