Random joke from this category
- Why Steve, you're so depressed today, what's the matter?
- Ah, well, I have had a quarrel with my mother-in-law. She swore to me she wouldn't talk to me for a month!!
- Then so bad about it? You should celebrate the event!!
- No, no, see...that was four weeks ago, and today is the last day...
Sign seen in a small restaurant:
Thanks for visiting. If you liked the food, send your friends. Otherwise, send your mother-in-law.
An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation.
- I don't have one - she said.
- Well then, are you a friend of the groom?
- I should say not - snapped the woman.
- I'm the bride's mother!
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied:
- Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.
- Well - replied the man.
- she must have had a lot of friends.
- Nope - said the farmer.
- we all just want to buy his mule.
John looked up to see his mother-in-law walking toward the front door carrying a broom. "Tell me," he said to her, "are you going to clean house with it or fly away on it?"
A mother-in-law visits her son-in-law before leaving for a trip. They are sipping coffee and chatting.
Suddenly, mother-in-law looks at the clock and jumps off her chair exclaiming:
- My god! It's already three P.M. I'm about to miss my train!
She begins to put her clothes on in a hurry.
At this moment, the son-in-law's daughter runs up to her and before he can do anything and announces:
- Don't hurry, granny! Daddy moved the clock two hours ahead!
My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic atmosphere.
In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.
On his tour to the U.S., the Pope visited a couple who had been childless for six years, try as they might to have a baby. The Pope promised to light a candle for them at the Vatican.
A decade later, the Pope returned and dropped in on the couple again and found nine children romping around the house.
Congratulating the wife on her fruitfulness, the Pope looked around and asked:
- But where is your husband?
- Jim? - the haggard woman said.
- Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle!
Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached...
Tis better to have loved and lost....than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.
What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.
My ex-wife is like a good laxative...she irritates the shit out of you.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams
Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.
When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.
Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days.
Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce
When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.
Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled:
- Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits...
- I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!
Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says:
- My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house....
"What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, there's a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when it's over, your whole house is gone.
I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.
How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
Alimony:
Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.
Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.
Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.
What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who's alimony checks arrive on time.
He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.
