Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife

16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 21
17. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)
18. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. - Moses (Exodus 2)
19. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4)
20. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)
21. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)
22. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)
23. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (1 Samuel somewhere)
24. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative off course.) - Cain (Genesis 4)
25. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)
26. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14)
27. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). - David (2 Samuel 9)
28. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
29. Don't be so picky. Make for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11)
30. A wife?... NOT!!! - Paul (I Corinthians 7)
31. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. - Jesus (Revelation 15?)

Top Ten Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary

10. Today is our what?
11. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
12. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
13. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
14. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
15. I thought we only celebrated important events?
16. Having sex doesn't count as a gift?
17. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
18. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex.
19. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

Anniversaries and birthdays
Complicate my life.
I'm an absent-minded husband
Of a present-minded wife.

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

What is the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
→ Outlaws are wanted! or You can shoot outlaws!

What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law?
→ Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.

A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law's death.

It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated.

He replies:

- Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!

I just had the doctor remove an ugly growth from my back. It was my mother-in-law.

Happiness is defined as opening your refrigerator to find your mother-in-law's picture on the milk carton.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
→ Two mother-in-law's!