Random joke from this category
A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.
- My husband - she said - always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me.
- Is that a problem? - asked the therapist.
- Well - she said - the problem is he walks in his sleep!
A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language.
- Alright - said the husband - when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast.
- Okay - said the wife - What should I do then?
- Well, when you want to have sex - he told her - rub my penis once. When you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times.
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Prof. Irwin Corey
Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. - Countess of Blessington
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass Daley
I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. - Bette Davis
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. - Lord Dewar
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? - Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller
It destroys one's nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. - Benjamin Disraeli
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. - Ken Dodd
Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. - Isadora Duncan
Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night. - Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley On Making A Will", 1919
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. - Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in. - Benjamin Franklin
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. - Bruce Friedman
Choose a wife by your ear than your eye. - Thomas Fuller, 1732
Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Goethe
Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. - Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant-turned-famous-movie-producer, when told his son was getting married
When Baby's cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff. My wife said:
- George, I'm so unhappy! Our darling's now completely frappe! - Graham
If I were a girl, I'd despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them. - Robert Graves
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. - Sacha Guitry
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. - Sacha Guitry
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. - Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. - Katherine Hepburn
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katherine Hepburn
Bigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony. - Oliver Herford
Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. - John Heywood
Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. - M. Hirschfield
Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman
It is amazing at how small a price may the wedding ring be placed upon a worthless hand; but, by the beauty of our law, what heaps of gold are indispensable to take it off! - Douglas Jerold, 1858
Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. - Jean Kerr
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Sam Kinison
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin Kitman
Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. - F. M. Knowles
Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee
I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me. - Abraham Lincoln in a letter to Mrs. O.H. Browning, April 1, 1838
Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. - Rich Little
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. - John Lyly
For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain. - Lyster
The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. - Shirley MacLaine
In a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end. - Herman Mankiewicz
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho Marx
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset Maugham
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran
Marriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinley
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. Mencken
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. Mencken
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H.L. Mencken
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. - H. L. Mencken
Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. - H. L. Mencken
Man is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. - H. L. Mencken
Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. - H. L. Mencken
Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Dr. Karl Menninger
A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - Moliere
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Montaigne
If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989
A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden Nash
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - Nietzsche
Love matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. - Neitzsche
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. - PJ O'Rourke
No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. - Cesare Pavese
A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. - Poor Jimmy's Almanac
It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. - Rogers
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen Rowland
When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen Rowland
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. - Helen Rowland
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..."; they leave skid marks. - Rita Rudner
Happy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified Ad
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb
Love, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. - George Bernard Shaw
One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten:
- Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly.
Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894
I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. - Carrie Snow
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert Spencer
Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. - Gloria Steinem
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. Tebbetts
At American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin Trillin
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. - Tynan
The first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with husbands. - Lupe Valez
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - Voltaire
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar Wilde
Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar Wilde
Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia Woolf
Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter..
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.
A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.
A good woman is like a good bar...liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
A honeymoon should be like a table...four bare legs and no drawers.
A husband expects his wife to be perfect...and to understand why he's not.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look whom she married!
A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.
A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.
Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't line down.
Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night with the girls.
After a moment of quite repose
It's tum to tum and toes to toes
After a moment of sheer delight
It's back to back for the rest of the night.
All marriages are happy; it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
All men are born free and equal, but then lots of them grow up and get married.
Always talk to your wife while you're making love...if there's a phone handy..
And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him...
And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.
Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.
As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn.
As you slide down the bannister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.
Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know where the wild goose goes.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Bride, at wedding: Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a prick like my mother's.
Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink. Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.
Congratulations, rots of ruck, sideways is great.
Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day. Love Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole farkin family.
Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug!
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
Dear {bride}, Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? {Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy - and now it's happening all over again!
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor.
Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything they sell.
Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).
Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.
Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.
Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor.
Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.
Forecast for Wedding... Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected later on.
Friend of groom giving a toast: Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!
Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out ya know. But we'll be friends through thick or thin, peter out and peter in!
From the football club - We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You'll never need to do it by hand again.
Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says:
- For the woman I love
and the second:
- For my best friend.
Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.
Here's a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.
Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!
Hope all your Tries are not converted.
Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
If you don't want the stork to come, shoot in the air.
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy..
It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.
It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially if he's married.
It's always fun to ask at the reception:
- What time's the grand opening?
Or after the honeymoon:
- Glad to see you back on your feet.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
It's sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got..
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.
I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere, respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests in life as me. Now I don't think that's too much to ask of a billionaire, do you?
I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
John, you know I can't marry you. You are an accountant. I prefer a man who builds things, who makes things, like an engineer who...makes half-a-million dollars a year...
Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
Life sucks...and then you marry someone who doesn't!
Look the bride in the eye and ask:
- If I'm the best man, how come you're marrying HIM???
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love is a thousand miles long, but comes in six inch installments.
Love is a word composed of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.
Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.
Love may conquer everything, but it needs Time as its Field General.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Make love, not war, or do both: get married.
Man and wife make one fool.
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
Marital Logic: 1) Marriage is an institution. 2) Marriage is love. 3) Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
May the bluebird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.
May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.
May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.
May you live as long as long as you want to, and may you want to as long as you live!
May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
May you never leave your marriage alive.
May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.
May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.
