Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained:

- I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

- Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole! - she screamed.

- That's funny - he muttered.

- you even sound exactly like her too!

A man goes to the doctor and says:

- Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?

- I think that is a wise decision - the doctor replies.

- Let's see, do you smoke?

- Oh.. Half a pack a day.

- Starting NOW, no more smoking.

The man agrees.

The doctor then asks:

- Do you drink?

- Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.

- Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.

The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks:

- How do you eat?

- Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.

- Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.

The man is now really worried.

- Doc, is all this really necessary?

- Do you want to live long?

- Yes.

- Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet.

The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues:

- Do you have sex?

- Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife! - he adds hurriedly.

- As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None.

The man is appalled.

- Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?

- I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

- Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday - she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

- I can't - says the woman.

- That's the only night I'm home with my husband!

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her:

- There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?

- Well - she said a little sheepishly.

- my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.

- That's got to be it - said the doctor.

- There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.

- Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't - she replied.

For sale by Owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or the best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything!

A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said:

- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

- You're a brave woman - said the dentist.

- Now, show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says:

- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!

- Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here? - yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

- Don't you want to get pregnant? - asked the doctor.

- Well, yes, I do - answered the woman.

- Then lie back and spread 'em - replied the doctor.

- We're all out of the bottled stuff... You'll just have to settle for what's on tap!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
→ Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told!

This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say:

- I could really go for an ice cream cone.

Hubby replies:

- Well, I'll go get you one.

Wife says:

- But, you'll forget, you better write it down.

Hubby replies:

- No I won't; what do you want?

Wife says:

- Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.

Hubby replies:

- Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember.

Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.

The wife asks him:

- What took you so long, did you get lost?

The hubby replies:

- No, and I got what you wanted.

The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!

Wife says:

- I knew you you should have written the order down.

Hubby says:

- What do you mean - every thing is there?

To which the wife replies:

- No, it's not...look, you forgot the pickles!

It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

Neighbor asks:

- Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?

Ed replies:

- Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?

Neighbor says:

- You mean a rose?

Ed replies:

- Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?