Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. "I assume," she barked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is."

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her."

"You were perfectly right."

"You want to speak with her? All right."

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?" she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes.

"I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again."

Two mates are having a chat over a beer.

"Do you like sheilas with bad body odour and bad breath?" one bloke asks his friend.

"No way!" his mate replies.

"Well," says the first bloke, "do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?"

"Fuck no!" his mate replies.

"Well," says the first bloke, "what the hell are you doing fuckin' around with my wife?"

Magnussen goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My wife isn't as much fun as she used to be."

The marriage counselor says, "Do you still enjoy a roll in the hay?"

Magnussen says, "As much as the next fellow."

The counselor says, "Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's exhausted."

A man was complaining to a friend.

"I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out."

"We'd like a room, please," the bloke said, nodding toward his misses. "We were married this morning."

"Congratulations," the desk clerk said, "how about the bridal?"

"No thanks, just a room. I'll hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."

When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.

Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself."

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."

"How?" asked Joe.

"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"

"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."

"Did he get anything?" his mates asked.

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?
→ Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.