Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

Two Kentucky hillbillies happened to meet in town. "How're thangs with y'all, Pete?" one asked.

"Not bad atall," Pete replied. "My old woman ain't talkin' to me thiseyer week...and I ain't in no mood to interrupt her."

On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home.

Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.

When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.

He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH, you DIDN'T?!?"

Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he called home, his wife told him, "Miles, they had your name in the obits today."

"What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad journalism. I'll sue 'em."

"Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously, "wh...wh...where are you calling from?"

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.

- How is she now?

- She's fine. But, the dog died.

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."

"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens.

"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"

"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!"

A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Just giving you an aspirin for your headache." The bloke answered.

"But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back.

"Good then, Lets fuck!" said the bloke.

A bloke came home and found his missus in bed with three blokes.

"Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed at them.

"Aren't you talking to me?" his missus snapped.

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, "See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!"

John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays."