Random joke from this category
One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said, "My god, you look so depressed."
She said, "You bet I am, look what my damn husband sent me... six dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have to spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread."
"Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?"
- Want a quickie?
- As opposed to what?
A man, being on top of a woman, says after a while: "Honey, your tits are too small, and your box is too tight."
"Get off my back, dear!" she replies.
Mongo's old lady decided she wanted to do something special to please him on his birthday, so she bought a pair of crotchless panties. That night, as he came into the house, she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle.
"Hi hon," she purred sexily. "Y'all want some of this?"
"Hell, no!" he hollered. "Look at what it's done to your undies!"
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her), I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him), I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!
After their love-making session the young bride asks her husband, "Was making love to me really the same as making love to Marilyn Monroe?"
"Yes, she's dead too!"
"Was making love to me really the same as making love to Marilyn Monroe?"
"Yes, she's dead too!"
Why do Black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts..
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.
When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly. "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven't even been home yet!"
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
