Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said:

- I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away.

Just then Jessica said:

- I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said:

- Sir your license has expired.

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said:

- I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice:

- Jessica, shut your mouth!

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked:

- Does your husband always talk to you like that?

Jessica replied:

- only when he's drunk.

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed:

- Goony bird! The table!

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said:

- Goony bird! The shelf!

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

- Wow! - said the wife.

- If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will! So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game.

- Honey! - she exclaimed.

- I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied:

- Goony Bird, my foot!

All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.

- The weddin's off - he shouted. - Everybody bugger off!

Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him.

- What's the problem? - he asked.

- Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride! - exclaimed the father.

The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers.

A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled:

- All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!

As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked:

- What happened to make you change your mind?

Grinning sheepishly, he replied:

- Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer.

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out:

- Sir, Good Evening, Sir!

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said:

- Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied:

- Sir, Yes Sir!.

The General continued:

- You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.

Don't you agree?

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General, pointing at the dog:

- This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General continued:

- I got this dog for my wife.

The Private simply said:

- Good trade Sir!

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p.m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway.

- What happened? You should have been home hours ago!

- Harry had a heart attack at the third hole.

- Oh, that's terrible.

- I know. All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

- First Guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

- Second Guy: That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

- Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him:

- You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?

- Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, "Wear your sweater.""

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked:

- When did you bag him?

The host said proudly:

- That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.

- What's he stuffed with - asked the visiting hunter.

- My ex-wife - replied the hunter.

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says:

- Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says:

- Mirror mirror on the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!

Again, there's a bright flash and both his legs fall off.

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are.

- Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life - he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.

She tells this to her mother, who replies:

- Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?