Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him:

- Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes mind if I ask how you got yours?

The other guy says:

- Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one.

The first guy replied:

- Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

The wife said:

- Why don't you do that?

Her husband replied:

- Honey, I don't even know that woman!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said:

- Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

- Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.

- Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.

- Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife:

- What did the doctor say?

She replied:

- You're going to die.

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, Mother of Six, in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts across the room at the top of his voice:

- Shall we go home Mother of six?

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back:

- Anytime you're ready, Father of Four.

A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw.

Terrified, her husband screamed:

- Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?

Placing the saw in her husband's hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied:

- Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!

With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion.

- Would you like to have a new mink coat? - Ron asks.

- No, not really - Sylvia responds.

- Well, how about a new Porche? - asks Ron.

- No, thanks - Sylvia replies.

- What about a new vacation home in the country? - Ron suggests.

- No - says Sylvia.

- Well, what would you like for your anniversary? - Ron asks.

- I'd like a divorce, Ron - answers Sylvia.

- Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much - replies Ron.

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells:

- When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

- Yeah? - she replies. - When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

- Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times - the judge said.

- Yes, Your Honor - the suspect replied.

- What did you steal? - the judge asked.

- I stole a dress, Your Honor - replied the suspect.

- One dress? - the judge bellowed. - But you have admitted to breaking in four times!

- Yes, Your Honor - sighed the suspect - but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!

An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening:

- Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend.

- That sounds fine - she purred.

And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying:

- Mind if I play along?

The exec. said:

- Fine. Glad to have the company.

All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.

- Whoa - he said. - That's a high powered rifle!

- Look - said the other man. - I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings.

- No. No - said the exec. - I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag.

The other man pondered for a moment and then said:

- Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living.

- Wow - said the other. - I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before.

- Still want me to play? - said the other.

- Sure - said the Erie exec. - As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?

The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it. The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said:

- Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife.

He lowered the gun for a moment and said:

- she doesn't have any clothes on.

He looked through the scope again.

- Damn, there's a guy with her.

The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man.

- How much do you charge?

- $10,000 a bullet - said the man.

The Erie man thought for a moment, and said:

- Do it.

- Which one? - said the hit man.

- Both - said the exec.

- That's $20,000, you know.

- I don't care, hit 'em both.

The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle.

- Where do you want me to get the man? - he asked.

- Blow his nuts off - said the exec.

- How about the woman?

- In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway.

- Ok - said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled.

- Mister - he said - I think I'm going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks:

- What's are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies:

- Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.

- Oh I see - replied the boys pensively.

- Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks:

- Why are there 3 in this package?

The dad replies:

- Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

- Cool! - says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks:

- Then who are these for?

- Those are for college men - The dad answers.

- TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.

- WOW! - exclaimed the boy.

- Then who uses THESE? - he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied:

- Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...