Language Jokes — worst jokes

A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.

Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't want to name them without him seeing them first. But the hospital insists that the babies must be named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie overhears this and he names them (unbeknowst to the couple). Later the husband arrives, and the happy couple are set to name the babies when a nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took care of that. "Oh no!" they cry. "He's crazy and doesn't know what he's doing. What names did he pick?" The nurse says, "Well, he named the girl Deniece." "Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.

And how about the boy?" "Denephew."

- Woman: Two Achoo! tickets, please.

- Clerk: Have you purchased tickets here before?

- Woman: cough No.

- Clerk: Then I need your address.

- Woman: Okay. It's 260..AHEM Sorry.. Laryngitis...

- Clerk: You'll have to spell that one for me.

What language do the Vatican Police speak?
→ Pig Latin!

And Jesus said unto his disciples, "Whom do men say that I am?"

And His disciples answered unto Him, "Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch."

And Jesus said, "What?"

Did you hear about the dyslectic agnostic with insomnia?
→ He used to lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

What do you call a nun riding piggyback on the hunchback of Notre Dame?
→ Virgin on the ridiculous.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
→ He sold his soul to Santa.

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Did you hear about the guy born with two left feet?
→ He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips...