Language Jokes — worst jokes

• Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
• How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
• If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
• If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?
• In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
• Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
• Is there another word for a synonym?
• Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
• What is another word for "thesaurus"?
• Where do swear words come from?
• Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
• Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
• Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
• Why do people use the word "irregardless"?
• Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
• Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
• Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
• Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
• Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?
• Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
• Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
• Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?
• Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?
• Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
• Why is abbreviation such a long word?
• Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
• Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
• Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
• Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
• Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
• Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
• Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95

Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER
by Jerrold H Zar

I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too be a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid to wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
it does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.

Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms

• IBM: I Blame Microsoft / Idiots Buy Me / Idiots Building Machines / I'll Buy Macintoshes / It Bit Me / It Built Microsoft / It's Better Manually / I've Been Mislead / I've Been Mugged
• WINDOWS: Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed / When I Need Data Output Without Speed / While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation / Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
• WIN: Whoppingly Immense NOP Worm Infestation Netware
• MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT: My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology / Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally
• WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan

Different Operating Systems Expectations

• Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get
• MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It
• UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno
• VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not

Random Abbreviations for Many Computer Companies

• APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
• DEC: Dump Everything and Close
• DEC: Do Expect Cuts
• HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic
• HP: Hot Pursuit
• IBM: I Blame Microsoft
• MAC: Most Absurd Computer
• MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
• MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
• NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash
• OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
• WARP: What A Rot Program

Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:

• AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
• BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
• CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
• COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
• DOS: Defective Operating System
• ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
• LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
• MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
• PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
• PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
• SCSI: System Can't See It
• WWW: World Wide Wait

In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:

• The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.
• Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.
• Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.
• Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.
• Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.
• Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !
• Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.
• Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.
• 665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.3. Employ the vernacular.4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.6. Remember to never split an infinitive.7. Contractions aren't necessary.8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.9. One should never generalize.10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.13. Be more or less specific.14. Understatement is always best.15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.17. The passive voice is to be avoided.18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.20. Who needs rhetorical questions?21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.22. Don't never use a double negation.23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point24. Do not put statements in the negative form.25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.28. A writer must not shift your point of view.29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.37. Always pick on the correct idiom.38. The adverb always follows the verb.39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words: "Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889." Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot. Next, we rewrite the text: "Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

How many letters are there in the alphabet?

Noel, noel, noel, noel ... the angels did say...

E.T. went home.

Get rid of X. There's too many unknowns in the world already!(Only one vowel left, or is that "Anly ana vawal laft" This may be stretching it a bit, but not unless you consider, as our good friends in Canada say: Good day, A!

And we all know that M&Ms melt in your mouth, so it's safe to count them out.

And of course, Y not.

We might as well put off using U until later in the year: See U in SeptemberTWA just took off!!

What do you call Santa's Helpers?
→ Subordinate clauses!