Kids Jokes — worst jokes

One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room. Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway.

"If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter," I said to her.

Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again.

"Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?"

The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well, uh, yes, it is." replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."

Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for some rubbers.

The chemist puts a pack of rubbers on the counter. Johnny looks at the rubbers and asks the chemist if he has any other kind. The chemist goes into the back and brings out another pack. "Nah," says Johnny, "what else do you have?" "Well," the chemist replies, "the only other kind that I have are the ones with all the bumps and ridges on them. Do you know what these will do to a woman?" Little Johnny says, "No... but they'll make a goat jump about two feet off of the ground!"

A little boy did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull". "How disgusting" said the teacher "I am sure your father could have done that" "No ma'm, he couldn't have" said the little sod "It has to be the Bull".

The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" scrawled all over the blackboard. "Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them." At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes." All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased. But below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of fucking his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin' dad?"

His father qiuckly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.", to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No", said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"