Kids Jokes — worst jokes

NOTE: This joke may be offensive to some. STOP HERE if you are offended by religious jokes.

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?

"I brought a Walkman."

"And what is it for?"

"You can listen to music with it!"

"That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"

"I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"

"Well done, Kenny.

Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"

"Yes, I did. It's in the hall."

So the entire class goes into the hallway.

"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"

"It's a heart/lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."

"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"

"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!"

The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.

She told the students to each take only one treat.

Next to the basket of apples was a sign: Take only one, God is watching.

As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said, "Take all you want, God's watching the apples"!

One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, "Son what happened?"

"I jumped in that creek down the road."

"Why did you do that?"

"I dunno."

His dad was very angry and said, "If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm gonna tan that hide - just because! Is that clear?"

"Yes dad." replies his son.

The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.

When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, "Didn't I tell you not to jump in that creek again?"

"Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!"

His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him - "Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say 'Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus'."

"Ok dad." replied the son.

Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.

His dad said, "I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!"

"I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!"

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby.

Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?" The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."

Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!"

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.

His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car".

The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.

A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.

"Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter."

Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.

Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.

His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that."

The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!"

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...'Beautiful, just fuckin' BEATUIFUL!'"

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.

"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple".

"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says: "R...

Rat...a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!"

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.

"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely. "But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree......and then I paint the target around it."