Kids Jokes — worst jokes

5-year-old Nicholas was sitting on a department store Santa's lap and told him:

- My name's the same as yours.

Santa's helper blows his cover when he says:

- Well, hello, Harold!

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother:

- How old are you?

Mommy says:

- Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life.

The girl then asks:

- Mommy, how much do you weigh?

Mommy says:

- That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up.

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks:

- Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?

Mommy says:

- Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now.

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says:

- All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything.

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says:

- Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.

Her mommy is very shocked! She asks:

- Sweetheart how did you do that?

The girl shrugs and says:

- I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds.

The mother is flabbergasted. She asks:

- Where did you learn that?

The little girl says:

- I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!

There was this boy that lived with his mother.

One night the boy woke up and went to the restroom and on his way he passed his mothers room and looked in and saw his mom rubbing her breasts and saying:

- I NEED A MAN. Then he went to bed.

The next night the same thing happened, she was there rubbing her breasts and saying:

- I NEED A MAN.

On the third night the woman had a man in bed with her when the son looked in.

Right away the boy went to his room and stood in front of the mirror rubbing hiself and saying....:

- I NEED A BIKE..........

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

- My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies:

- Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.

Next is little Lucy.

- Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies:

- Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.

Last is little Billy.

- My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies:

- Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!

Top Ten Signs You're Becoming a Teenager

10. Like is, like, the most commonly used word in your vocabulary.
11. "Metal Mouth" and "Tinsel Teeth" have replaced your real name.
12. You fight with your hair every morning . . . and you lose!
13. Your parents have never heard of your favorite rock group.
14. Even your zits have zits!
15. It's not safe to say the word "mall" around you.
16. Let's just say . . . sometimes you don't smell too good.
17. You've gone from "A". . . to "B" . . . to "C" . . . cup!
18. If you have to speak in front of your class, you care more about what you're wearing than what you're going to say.
19. If someone at your house is PMSing, it's not always your mom!

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother:

- Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

- He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch.

- This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.

- Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST!

- Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

- When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

- Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back.

- Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

- Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

- After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel...

- I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway.

- He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

- I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.

- This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man:

- Aren't they cute, what are their names?

The man giving the lady an angry look replied:

- I don't know.

The lady asked again:

- Which is a boy and which is a girl?.

The man looking angrier than before replied:

- I don't know.

The woman then started to scold the man:

- What kind of a father are you?.

The man replied:

- I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company.

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought:

- Great...he's 11 and now I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer.

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said:

- Well son, do you have any questions?

- Just one Dad - gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks:

- How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says:

- Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?

Little Johnny waves his hand:

- Me, miss, me, me!

Teacher says:

- All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?

Little Johnny says:

- Mas-tur-bate.

Teacher smiles and says:

- Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.

Little Johnny says:

- No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank.

- Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

- No change yet.